DTH Letter: A Deconstruction

By Adam Lucas | 7 Comment(s) | Posted

College newspapers are a great training ground for our future journalists, whose minds and talents will shape our future.

Also, they are a place for really ignorant letters to the editor. That's what I learned in today's edition of the Daily Tar Heel. Read for yourself here

Let's take this line by line...

<<How did we get to this point where Carolina athletics have deteriorated to such a degree? >>

I know, right? It has been a hellacious year to follow the Tar Heels so far. The football team tied for the Coastal Division title. Women's soccer won the program's 21st NCAA title. Field hockey played for the national championship. The recent Directors' Cup fall standings have Carolina WAY DOWN IN FIFTH PLACE NATIONALLY! 

<<Not only has the current administration enabled the University’s reputation to be sullied, but our two major sports teams are a joke. >>

OK, reader poll: what are the "two major sports teams" that are a joke to which our dear writer is referring? I'm assuming one of them is basketball. That program really has turned into a cancer on the face of the University of North Carolina. Just the other day I was thinking, "If we could get rid of basketball, while simultaneously installing Phillip Bridges of Greenville, S.C., as chancellor, this place would have a chance to become something."

Now, what's the other "major sports team" that is a joke? Football, I guess? The one that just finished 8-4, tied for the Coastal Division title and provided one of the greatest moments in Kenan Stadium history.

You know who else thinks Carolina football is a joke? Tom O'Brien, while resting his head on a pillow full of buyout money.

<<Our basketball team is no better than a 4A high school team, and Roy appears to be finished.>>

Sadly, the last part of this sentence was left out due to an error on the part of the writer's dot-matrix printer. It was supposed to read, "...Roy appears to be finished BEATING FLORIDA STATE ON THE ROAD AND TOTALLY RENDERING MOOT THE ENTIRE POINT OF THIS LETTER."

<<Maybe we should just ease his pain — and ours — and send him on his way.

Maybe we can pay someone who knows how to coach and win like John Calipari and at least get our basketball program back in shape. >>

There is just no way this can be real. Although I will say that the pain of wearing two national championship rings has really been bothering me lately, so Phillip is right that it would be nice to have my pain eased. You want some scary facts: when we hold elections here in America, your vote counts the exact same amount as Phillip Bridges of Greenville, S.C. Think about that. Our forefathers, including University of Virginia basketball coach Thomas Jefferson, softly weep.

We need a PROVEN WINNER like John Calipari here. You know, someone who will not "sully the reputation of a University" with something like pesky vacated wins or something. Side note: Kentucky is currently 10-5, 1-1 in the SEC, and lost by 12 points at home to Texas A&M on Saturday. RESCUE US, JOHN CALIPARI!!!

<<I have always thought Calipari was of questionable ethics and would never fit UNC, but since the Dick Baddour era, we are forever tarnished and that no longer matters. >>

You know who has much better ethics than Dick Baddour, for whom the Leadership Academy at UNC is named? Phillip Bridges of Greenville, S.C., our future chancellor.

<<Let’s just put Roy into retirement and onto the golf course, where he always tells us he prefers to be, and get us a real basketball coach who can at least teach our team how to play aggressive defense before it is too late.>>

All we were missing here was a comment about not calling timeouts and I think we would've had the blueprint for every future Roy Williams complaint. Golf reference? Yes. Lack of aggressive defense? Check. Total lack of contact with reality? Affirmative. 

I especially enjoyed the threatening tone at the end. "...before it is too late." I like to picture Phillip sitting at his Apple IIE, composing his letter, twirling his mustache and thinking, "Get us a real basketball coach RIGHT NOW or it will be TOO LATE, you hear me...Huh? What's that? Honey Boo Boo is on? Be there in a second!"

<<Phillip Bridges ’86
Greenville, S.C.>>

*Dan Kane shakes his head in admiration, calls Phillip Bridges '86 for tips on how to craft such a well-constructed piece*

Comments

  1. TruBluTarHeel's avatar
    TruBluTarHeel
    | Permalink
    Go Adam Go!!!!!
  2. j's avatar
    j
    | Permalink
    "You know who else thinks Carolina football is a joke? Tom O'Brien, while resting his head on a pillow full of buyout money."

    Come on man, do a little research:

    "But Thursday afternoon, in response to a question from Joe Ovies of Raleigh’s ESPN radio affiliate, N.C. State said it was waiving the clause and has agreed to pay O’Brien $200,000 rather than the $1.2 million buyout he was due."
  3. Glenn's avatar
    Glenn
    | Permalink
    I don't know about buyout money, but after watching Russell Wilson again yesterday, I have to say that as a football coach, the move TOB made in not letting him play is one of the most stupid in ACC history........
  4. LF's avatar
    LF
    | Permalink
    Did they verify this guy as a UNC graduate? If so, it looks like we have another academic issue to deal with!
  5. Chip's avatar
    Chip
    | Permalink
    I agree with Glenn, letting Russell Wilson go was crazy. He beat UNC every year, practically single-handily. Also this years football victory over State was possibly the most exciting one ever. I saw the Miami game back in "04 which was also awesome, but this year, no words for it. No coach can be perfect, loosing 4 first rounders is hard to replace,so give Roy some slack, the year isn't over....
  6. Theo's avatar
    Theo
    | Permalink
    Mar 5, 2013. UNC and ole' Roy are doing well and I was reminded on this post. Go Heels!
  7. Troy's avatar
    Troy
    | Permalink
    When the critique is better than the article, you know there's a problem... Another great one by Adam!

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